Chris Berman Cheat Sheet

Everyone in the baseball media outside of Jon Miller, Dave Flemming and Kuip have been butchering the youngster Eugenio Velez's name. We're only singling out Boomer because he should know it as a noted Giants fan. Give this sheet a once-over and adjust your deux-deux-deux dosage accordingly Berman.

So yeah, it's A-U-hen-neo Vell-ez. Not U-Jeanio Vel-EZZ.

Punished for their gluttony, languid for '08

Wow, is this the special sector of Dante's inferno that we've descended upon? Taking a no-hitter and five-run lead into the seventh inning and then losing 8-7 in 10? I think I'd rather be fully enveloped in demon dung and losing by five runs every outing.

Tyler Walker, who had been pitching great this year, fed two long balls in three hitters to Duncan and Ankiel in the eighth.

No problem though, you'd think, 5-5 headed to the ninth. We can regroup here. And out from the bullpen trots Hennessey, who must have absorbed some Van Landingham DNA at some point during the offseason because he was terrible again, allowing two runs and recording just one out.

The G-men did show some resiliency in the bottom of the ninth, thanks to a clutch double from Freddy Lewis. But it just wasn't to be, as the Cards effortlessly tacked on a run in the tenth to nail it down.

Moral Vs: Cain had a no-hitter through six, and hit a dong!; our closer came in for two perfect outs; and the debut of John Bowker. Our future corner outfielder went 2-for-3 with a three-run blast in the sixth that almost got to the cove. (And Bowker should be up for good now, as it looks like Roberts will be missing three months.)

Today Linceceum against Joel Pineiro. It'll be tough to find a more favorable matchup all season.

Box Score

Somebody Get This Guy A Popular Mexican Beer

For a player who had one home run in his first 25 games as a pro, three bombs and a triple is a pretty nice day.

Augusta Green Jackets (A) left-fielder Ramon Corona did just that Friday against Lexington, and we can only hope the man was bought a few tequila shots... or at the very least a case of his namesake.

And according to that article, Corona lives near A-Rod, and even took a few tips from him in the offseason.

Let's hope the young slugger doesn't end up wearing purple lipstick, or, you know, marrying a man.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Raj Davis, pictured, was one of the few Giants not to commit an error in last night's 8-2 debacle against the Cards at home.

Eight runs allowed, only two of them earned, thanks to some timely moonshine consumed by Durham, Castillo, and Lewis.

Zito pitched about as well as he can, allowing seven hits and one earned through six.

In a season where we need honey-lathered mitts and sniper-scope-modified arms just to win 70, a hat trick of errors in a game is equivalent to missing the cereal bowl with the milk jug... slipping on the puddle and puncturing your spleen.

Cain on the bump today, Lincecum tomorrow. Six runs the remaining two games could easily equate to a series win. Man, I wish the G-men were as easy to watch as CBS' peaceful Masters coverage.

Box Score

Hope Tracker: An Update on the Top 10 Prospects

1. Angel Villalona (3b, Augusta/A): [4-for-17 (.235) in 6 games; a double, 2 RBI, 3 runs; 5K/2BB]
Our prized 17-year old possession... 6'3-200lber was hitting wood-bat bombs at 13... slow and steady, let's aim for the 2011 opening day roster... and pray the teeny bopper doesn't end up like Britney. But boy is it nice to have a hitter in the #1 slot.

2. Tim Alderson (rhp, San Jose/A+): [1 start: 1-0, 0.00 ERA; 5 IP, 3 H, 1K/2BB]
6'6, great breaking ball, good fastball... he should fit nicely at the back of our rotation (and start working his way up) by 2010.

3. Madison Bumgarner (lhp, Augusta/A): [1 start: 0-1, 15.00 ERA; 3 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 6K/0BB]
The little unit got roughed up a bit, but at least he was throwing strikes... and 18K/9 is a good pace.

4. Nate Schierholtz (of, Fresno/AAA): [.222 in 3 games; 2 2B, RBI]
Proved last year he can hit here and in bigs, he'll be up soon.

5. Henry Sosa (rhp): “The 22 year-old rightie has Pedro Liriano stuff, (2.44 era, 11 wins, 139 k's in 126 ip in A), and made the futures game in '07. He has the best fastball in the system and should be kept in the rotation.” -Baseball America
Juicy... aim for a 2009 trade, along with Alderson, for AJ Pierzynski.

6. Nick Noonan (2b/ss, Augusta/A): [.250 in 7 games; 4 runs, 2 RBI, 2B; 6K/0BB]
Had an impressive rookie season: hit .316 and was named to several all-star squads.

7. Eugenio Velez (2b/ss, SFG): [.250 in 9 games; 2 3B, 2B, 2 SB]
Handlin' the stick well... Josh Brolin-fleeing-from-pitbull-type speed.

8. Wendell Fairley (of, Salem-Keizer/A- we assume): hasn't played yet in '08... projected to be future center fielder.

9. John Bowker (of, SFG): [.174, RBI in 6 games; 8K/2BB]
Great '07 season in AA: .315/22/90 or so... struggled early in AAA in '08... let's hope that translates to MLB success with his early-season call up.

10. Emmanuel Burriss (ss, Fresno/AAA): [.267, 4 RBI, 3 R in 7 games; 2 SB, 2 BB/4 K]
Should be a terrific middle infield in a few years with Noonan/Burriss.

You And Me And Correia Makes Three, Tonight

Kevin Correia produced the third consecutive gem from the starting staff, going 7.2 innings, allowing just five hits while striking out four. Not surprisingly it equated to the third win in a row for the G-men, this time 5-1 over St. Louis at home, a feat that just a week ago figured to be as rare for the club as a hat trick in women's soccer. Or, for you lane lizards, perhaps a turkey bowled by Stephen Hawking.

It got a little dicey late, but the beach boy Sloop Johnd his way out of the Cards' ninth-inning rally, and save number two came to B.

The bad: Hennessey was back to his pre-Wednesday self, allowing three base runners and a run while only recording one out in the ninth.

The good: SF rallied for a season-high five runs on 10 hits, pearl necklacing their previous season-best. (And hey, Onion, buy another vowel for Danny O.)

Zito on the mound tonight against Lohse for the Cards. Our only chance would figure to be if Lohse pitches worse than he barters for contracts.

Box Score

Wisdom From A Bald, Rotund, Bespectacled Sensai

"The game is not scoreless: the score is zero-zero... and on to the ninth..."

Touche Jon Miller, douche touche.

Where is Instant O Mo? How about a little ninth inning magic tonight?

Let's get Sanchez a moral V for his six inning, three hit, 10 K effort, hmmmmm? We're now headed to the last of the ninth.

Instant O Mo': The Giants' Best Offense Since Sliced Bread

Try as the G-men might, they didn't quite have the strength to blow little Timmy's gem. Lincecum went six strong, allowing a run on seven hits with one walk and seven punchouts. Great to have him filthy without tearing gun show basepath tickets.

Even though the beach boy sent good vibrations to the Padre hitters' wood in the top of the ninth to blow the save, it wasn't too much for Instant O Mo' to overcome single handedly.

Most NL teams can figure out how to score a run with a speedy bugger like Velez on second base and nobody out. But nah, small ball is for suckers.

Molina sent his second rocket into orbit of the night in the bottom of the 11th, and that was that, win number two. Cake.

Other positive notes: Hennessey finally gettin' it done, tossing two scoreless for the win; Eugenio getting the pinch-hit and stealing the bag to set up a ***potential*** game winning score; our prized off-season acquisition nearly earning the yellow Mexican headwear.

Here's to Sanchez lasting at least five innings in the rubber match.

Box Score

The Japanese Seem to Struggle With Rubbers...

Reliever Keiichi Yabu missed at least Sunday's game after snapping himself between the eyes with a rubber hose. (That sounds eerily similar to Cartman's eyes-closed, milk-sucking-out-of-hose experiment.)

Also, from that same SF Chronicle report, Randy Winn is going to be missing some time after hitting himself in the ankle with a bat.

Nothing you can do but giggle softly at this point if you're a fan of the Gigantes. We can't even injure ourselves respectively.

Even Whelan Thinks This Is A Hard Rock Bottom

As if the start of the season couldn't get any worse for the Giants, it did Saturday. Sure, they showed a little resiliency in scoring four runs to make it a respectable one-run loss to the Brewers at Miller Park, but they also accomplished the unfathomable for a professional baseball team:

No runs scored against Eric Gagne. The guy who subscribes to the 'Kriss Kross' school of uniform application. The fat hab who slathers his cap in maple syrup before each outing. Chris Szabo's bastard step child.

Yep, that guy.

Oh well, maybe Zito can give us a quality start this afternoon to hang out hats on and lead us to ruin another home team broom brewhaha.

The Guillotine Descendeth Hard

A bases-loaded walk for our first run of the season is about right.

Raj Davis looking like a blind red-headed stepchild swinging at a pinata with a flyswatter in a pinch-hitting role is not very right.

The G-Men gagged a 2-0 lead in the 8th to drop their second straight game to the Dodgers, this by a final of 3-2. It was ultimtely decided in the bullpen, where the Dodgers one-upped the Giants in the ancient Japanese slinger category (oh, and Hennessey seemed to have himself confused with a high school coach throwing BP).

The positives? Cain pitched well. Rowand gunned Furcal at 2nd, and continues to stroke at the plate. And Little Lincy's on the hill tonight.

Box Score

Like Flossing With Sandpaper

Welp, watching that opening day shutout to L.A. was the equivalent of experiencing 'Date Movie.' There were a few mildly amusing seconds, but you ended up watching it for about 30 minutes too long, and of course the end result was that it sucked. (Although the weather looked beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

How about our gritty center fielder missing two cutoffs in a four-inning span? That was fun. At least he swatted a couple singles.

Zito giving up 4 in 5? Actually, that's an improvement from his typical opening day start, in which his ERA is over 9.

Some other bright spots: Bullpen. Merkin was throwing cheese, Threets and the crusty sensai Yabu performed servicably. The big club wasn't too hot on the basepaths though (0-2 in steal attempts).

Going into this season I held an optimistic goal of winning 70. Let's go ahead and shoot for 65 boys.

Number One reason to feel nostalgic: Robb Nen's slider was about 10 miles an hour faster than our $126 million ace's four-seamer. Hot barbecue.

Cheers to Cain and Timmy comin' up soon at least.

Box Score

Charting the Kid, Sweating the Groin

Tiny Tim Lincecum started his first spring training game since injuring his groin earlier this month, and like all shots to the junk: there was bad news and good.

Lincy allowed 4 runs on 6 hits in 2 innings.

But he only surrendered one extra base hit (a double to some goof named Chase Headley), while striking out 4 batters in the stint.

We'll take these moral victories where we can get 'em, and once again toast to the health and prosperity of a 22-year old's inner thigh region.

Other Highlights: Dave Roberts went 2-for-4 with a dinger and a couple runs; Winn and Molina each poked a couple hits; Bocock started a 6-4-3.

Oh yeah, the Giants got lambasted by the Padres 11-5 and dropped to a cactus-worst 4-11 on the spring.

Box Score

Zito Craps Bed, Figuratively; Pants, Literally

Add another loss termite to the 9-figured man's wood.

Zito got roughed up for 5 hits and 5 earned in 3.2 innings, walking 4 and fanning 0, in the Giants cactus league contest today against Kansas City.

San Francisco committed 4 errors in a game that was over in the third inning but painstakingly continued, culminating in a 15-6 final, Royals.

Now, 4 errors in a spring training game normally wouldn't be a cause for concern but when it's our potential opening day starting shortstop (Bocock) flubbing half of them, it feels a little gooey.

The positives for today: Randy Winn laced a couple of doubles, Velez hit a triple, and some guy named Ponce de Justin Leone went 3-for-3 with a dinger.

With the loss the G-men drop to a spring training-worst 3-10. But maybe it'll get better tomorrow, when Matt Cain takes on Ben Sheets in Brewers camp. For now we can take solace in the fact that the reigning champs are almost as bad at 3-8.

Box Score

The Boys Are Back, Back on 2, and That's Where They're Gonna Stay!

With a TV ad campaign as fine as the above, the Giants went from 72 wins in '92 to 103 wins (and a reemjob) in '93.

We need to summon all jingle-meistros in the business. Anyone who can write a catchy product-hawking tune must come out of the woodwork and get to penning the '08 KTVU theme song. As history has shown, a toe-tapping, Little Richie 'hooooo'-inspiring jingle can increase a team's win total by greater than 30 games.

Hell, I'll settle for a 2Gether performance if we can get to 80 this season.

The Grass is Greener... On Fire

The thought of Brian Bocock, and his .220 San Jose average, starting as the Giants' shortstop on opening day is enough to make me want to scout Shady Acres retirement home for prospects (Actually Sabes already has a fleet of scouts employed in every major Bay Area Alzheimer center).

But maybe our GM has been on the right track all along with his geriatric-heavy approach to player personnel: load up on old-timers while the market value for them is low (always) and overpay them. Uhh...wait.

I'm guessing though that Sabes could get a pretty good ROI on a skeletor pinch hitter. And I mean, you'd have to figure the odds of the opposing pitcher nailing the bones in the batter's box are better than Bocock getting on base by wildly flailing at the cowhide.

Yep, this is where my mind is magneted at the moment. I shutter to think how it will degress once the game's that matter actually begin.

And so it begins...

Welp, the G-men opened up their cactus league schedule today against the Cubs, and promptly lost 12-6. Kevin Correia got absolutely hot-barbecued, allowing 7 hits and 4 earned runs in just 1 inning of work. It's ok though Kev, no need to look over your shoulder just yet, your '07 performance has granted you immunity through even a villa of spring training turds.

A few bright notes: Freddy Lewis and Velez both tripled; Winn went yard; Rowand picked up a couple hits; and the Beach Boy worked a perfect ninth, getting two ground outs and a whiff.

Little Franny, despite receiving inspiration from his idol Robby Thompson a few days back, loxed up a bagel at the plate in three appearances.

The club did commit two errors, but none by anyone who matters.

Box Score

Winnin' Big at the PR crap table

2008 is the perfect time for the Giants to be spending their 50th season in San Francisco. This will allow the black and orange community to celebrate with various alumni all season long, and distract us from the 70-win season goin' at the ballpark!